The last thing you want to have to hear are the words “unexpected” and “surgery” in any sentence. I’ve been a bit sick lately, from my two children trying to kill me slowly with cold germs, but then things got a bit more dramatic. This has all of course affected my computer time and I realize I’m a bit more obsessed than normal. “The internet misses me!” Yes, indeed. It misses all of us.

So I go to the ear doctor once a year because I have a ridiculous problem of overproducing ear wax in my right ear which them blocks up to the point where I lose hearing in that ear. But this time I went in and the doctor found something extra. A “growth”. And no idea what it was. Wart? Mole? Cyst? Alien spore? He suggested we snip it off in the office and I setup another appointment to do so.

So I went back and they numbed the area, or so I thought and snipped it off. All this is taking place inside my ear canal through a microscope. Now I couldn’t feel it, but I sure could hear it. Not pleasant.

“We’re just going to cauterize it now.” Wait, what?! Great, now not only could I hear the sizzle, I smelled smoke as well. AND some of the numbness went away. “We call that a hotspot” said the doctor after he saw me wince. But now it was out of me and off to the lab.

I go back for a follow-up and that’s when it gets weird. “We needed to get a second opinion. It appears benign, but it’s a growth that shouldn’t be there. We’re recommending we get the rest of it out. I do surgeries on Fridays. I’ll have to put you under.”

Whaaat?! I need surgery?! AND I’m going to be put under?! I haven’t had anesthesia since I got my tonsils out as a child, or since I saw Avatar in 3-D. Honestly, I was more than a little nervous about it. I just remember counting backwards into a big black gas balloon and waking up with my throat sore. At least then I got ice cream. Not sure what the policy is now.

The doctor reassured me that it anesthesia was much safer now than it has ever been. I’ll be getting the same drug as Michael Jackson. And that’s supposed to make me feel BETTER?! The doctor then went on to explain that it’s a great drug when used under supervision at a hospital. Oh, you mean not at home recreationally? It then occurred to me a lot of people must be asking that question now. The poor drug company. Nothing like the most famous person in the world dying from your drug to give you a little bad PR. Then I thought, on the other hand, if Michael Jackson was using it, it must be pretty good.

So I scheduled the pre-op and the op. One is the day before so you can fill out paperwork and get really good and nervous before your surgery. They ask you lots of questions, and the nurse asked a few that I found interesting:

“Do use any medical devices or machines at home?”
“Recreationally or practically?”
“Do you have any problems with anxiety, depression, drugs, or alcohol?”
“…That’s a lot of things in one category. Shouldn’t we split them up?”
“OK, anxiety”
“Are you feeling nervous right now?”
“What do you think?”

So after a long grilling, blood tests, an EKG, etc. The nurse said “OK, you’re free to go”
“Until tomorrow, right?”

Next post: The surgery!